Morning

Been up since 10:30 AM yesterday.

I drank two cups of coffee at 8pm.

I stayed up all night.

I walked during the sunrise.

I've sat and thought hard about some important things.

You know, I had one of my best friends say this to me, "Imagine you had a really good job, and you quit, because of (something, dunno).  Then, your best friend (different person) got the job.  You would be happy for him.  You wouldn't try and take the job back, or keep him from getting it.  You'd want him to have it."

Yes.  I would.  That's a job though.  This is a bit different.

Trust me, I am trying, hard.  It's just that somewhere, something still says, "No.  Mine."  I don't want it to, not because I don't want it to, but because I am trying to put him before me.  That is rare.  He's my brother though.  No, not really my brother, but yes, really, my brother.

*Save me, save me.  Save me, save me./Bring me something, bring me something I can use/Well, here's one thing, but it's not the one I choose/I can't help it, hope you show up soon/I can't help it; I'm counting on you.*  THose were the lyrics that were just sung in my ear.  Hmm.  I don't think that has any real significance to what is being written about here.  Nope, besides the fact that Dinosaur Jr. is amazing and should be heard by everyone, everywhere.

It's nothing physical that I...I don't even know the words to describe the feeling that I have.  Now, you might ask, you still have feelings?  Well, of course.  I am human.  I did change, grow, better myself during that time, for them, for me.  Yes, I cut the rope.  No, I am not as cold hearted as I seem.  No I am not as stoic as I would like.  Yes, I am more stoic than most people, and yes I am cold hearted.

It's not physical that I feel.  It is more of memory, feeling of a memory I once had, and the association of that memory brings good feelings to my brain, and because you always want more of what feels good I desire for that feeling to return.  -Leave up to me to break a feeling down into a logical path to follow.  Only I would do that.  Yet, I do do it, and I always will.  I am who I am.  I cannot change that, but I can change it.

If you're reading this, ever, either one of you.  Know, this is so difficult, this is a true challenge, and I have been moping about a bit, feeling sorry for myself...why?  I dunno.  You know when you just do that?  Yeah.  Well, I really want you two to work.  If you do, you will both be 100x better off for it.  I hope I can hang out with you guys. :)

You shoudl both knwo I am not an awkward person (yes I know there are two mispellings, but i could really care less, that's too many times to press the backspace button....actually it's delete on my Mac, btu you get the point...), unless I want to be an awkward person.  Than I most certainly am awkward.  I won't be though.

I owe you both more than I can repay, and for that I hope you get what you want out of life.  Love you both.

Jared