It is quite frustrating to be lacking in speech, and so adequate, at least in comparison, to writing. This is not to say I am incapable of speaking, far from it. I fear I speak too much sometimes, and that is just as problematic as not saying enough, or saying the incorrect word(s). It is instead, my lack of ability to speak on myself which troubles me. Why...why am in incapable of expressing large portions of my personal self outward....
I know that I am capable of dealing with these problems on my own.
I know that people will not understand, no matter how well my explanations.
I know that expressing myself is unwise, because my feelings, thoughts, are fleeting.
I express those feelings and thoughts that are not fleeting outward, because I have dealt with them, I have thought them through, examined them, chosen the wording for them.
I'm told I'm supposed to speak with others about these problems, yet I find myself incapable of doing so, past and present. I know that this is by my own choice, and then bred over the years to perfection. I'm almost beautifully adapt at speaking about a topic and never actually addressing it. I can dance around an issue the way a ballerina glides gracefully across stage en pointe.
Interesting- I want to, but I don't want to at the same time.
I'm planning on going to see a psychiatrist for my ADD-ADHD, whichever you prefer to call it. I've decided that I'm sick of not actually getting the things done that I need to get done. Up to this point I have refrained from using it as a crutch...I have no reason to. It's a part of me, a part of who I am, not some outside force... I need to address the issue from inside out to have an affect. I need to understand why I'm doing the things that I do, I need to understand the process my head goes through, once I can categorize my actions, be conscious of what I am doing, I can change.
We'll see what happens.
Remember: We are what we repeatedly do. An act is only that, an act, not a definition. Aristotle explains it a bit better, "Excellence is an art won by training and habituation. We do not act rightly because we have virtue or excellence, but we rather have those because we have acted rightly. We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act but a habit."