I'm working on an article I want to submit to Matador. It's for the series "Love in the Time of Matador" (other articles published in this series) - Link(Submissions Page & Details) - from the Matador Life section.
The article is difficult for me to write. It is imperative that I be honest, completely honest in the article. That is difficult when it is about a topic so close to me, i.e. my feelings pertaining to relationships, girls & love.
One thing I know that may occur when some people read this is the shift of their image of me from an ideal to reality. What do I mean?
Well, the way I explained it to my mother was this: The first time you heard me cuss, you were...shocked, surpised, etc. It shifted your image of me from an ideal to reality. Even though Deborah and Daniel before had told you that I cursed, you never believed them and held to the ideal that I did not curse, at all. When you heard me, that ideal shifted from just that to reality. It wasn't really a negative thing, or a positive thing, but simply something that happened.
Now, depending on the gravity (according to each reader) of the topic, which causes the shift, the degree to which the shift affects their view of me will vary. If they care more either for or against what my views may be or my actions are, then the shift will be greater, positive or negative. If they care not at all, or very little, than that shift will be negligent.
Either way, this is difficult for me. It's also difficult for me because I'm trying to pull into solidity something which for me is ethereal - my feelings. It is extremely difficult for me to put into words how I feel. It is not however for me to discuss relationships and my opinions on them, etc. It becomes difficult when those topics are personal.
So, I sit here and struggle and will continue to struggle because it makes me grow, and because perhaps then, or in the future, I will be able to better explain myself to the ones that I need to explain myself too. Perhaps in the future, I will be able to understand myself and explain myself without saying something I don't actually feel.
Perhaps in the future.